Things you can do to improve picnic eggs

Because, let's face it, hardboiled chopped egg is pretty boring.  So if you make a slit and hold it open you can stuff other stuff in there.  Like:

Salad Cream
Soured Cream
Mayonnaise
BBQ sauce
Liver Pate
Brie
Cream cheese
Grated cheddar
Salsa
Guacamole

So it's hardly Nigella, but I bet Delia Smith will make this a page in her next book.

I also like to cut a scotch egg in half, remove the egg and put salad cream in one side and BBQ sauce in the other, then splat it all back together again.  That's restaurant quality that is.

Things my kids invented

Stressticles

Stress balls in the shape of testicles.  Simple but effective.  These probably already exist actually, in the naughty aisle of gadget shops

Chicago Town Pizzas reviewed

I don't normally like frozen pizzas, except Chicago Town - they are something else.

The takeaway range;
Pepperoni
Cheese
Cheese and tomato
New Yorker
Chicken and Bacon Melt
Sloppy Joe

650g approx (varies).   £3.99 each or 2 for £6 in Tesco.  Might seem a bit expensive for a frozen pizza but trust me, you're getting a quality pizza for your money, better than Pizza Hut in my opinion.  And I wouldn't say that lightly.

The twin pack range;
Four Cheese
Pepperoni
Meat Combo
Ham and Pineapple
Chicken Melt
Meatball Melt

160g each (varies).  These are perfect for a quick lunch.  They take 2 1/2 minutes in the microwave and all the flavours are delicious.   £1.95 per pack of 2 or £3.50 for 2 packs in Tesco.

Today's best bargain in Poundland

Big Toblerones, milk or white chocolate

They really are big you know

Hash Brown Bake

You will need:
One packet frozen hash browns
One sachet mushroom cuppa soup.  If you're not serving this to any vegetablists you can use chicken soup.
Couple tablespoons Soured Cream.  If you haven't got any you can use double cream or mayonnaise

Empty all the hash browns into a microwaveable and ovensafe casserole dish.
cook them in the microwave until they are soft enough to break up with a fork.
Make the soup up in a mug and then empty over the hash browns.
Stir until all the hash browns are nice and soggy and mashed up.
Add the cream or mayonnaise.

Cook in the oven for about 10 minutes at 200c ish.  If you want to be exotic you can put crushed crisps and grated cheese on top before you put it in the oven.

Serve instead of mash or chips or whatever carby thing you was going to have with your tea.

Trifle

You will need:
Plain cupcakes (you can use my recipe or buy them from Tesco)
One tin of fruit, whatever you like - but not pineapples.  There's something in pineapples that stops jelly setting properly.  Mandarins or strawberries are nice, something to compliment whatever flavour jelly you picked
One pack of jelly mix, whatever flavour you fancy
One pack of custard mix or one carton of ready made custard
Whipping Cream
Hundreds and Thousands or sprinkles or whatever you call them or grated chocolate

This'll take about 4 hours to make.  Only because you have to keep putting it in the fridge to set, the making part is easy peasy.

Lay the cupcakes in the bottom of a nice deep glass dish or trifle bowl.  I have been looking in antique shops for the perfect trifle bowl for years.  If you lay a load face down then lay some the right way up they will make a nice flat layer.
Drain the fruit and layer it on top of the cupcakes.
Make up the jelly as per the instructions on the packet and pour it on top of the cupcakes and fruit.
Put it in the fridge to set, will probably take about 3 hours.
When the jelly is set (it doesn't have to be dead hard, just firm enough so the next layer doesn't fall through)
make up a jug of custard and leave to cool in the fridge for half an hour.  If you use ready made custard you can go straight to the next stage.
Pour the custard on top of the jelly and put in the fridge to set for about an hour.
Whip the cream and smooth over the top.
Sprinkle with hundreds and thousands or grated chocolate.

For a change you could make this as individual portions in wide bottomed glasses.
This will keep for about 24 hours in the fridge, if you don't sneak down in the middle of the night and eat all the leftovers.

Cupcakes

Weigh 2 eggs (still in their shells)
whatever the combined weight is measure out the same quantity of Self Raising Flour, butter and caster sugar

Put all the ingredients in a mixing bowl.
Mix to a sloppy consistency.  If you've got an electric hand mixer it will be quicker but if you accidentally broke it by putting all the bits in the dishwasher so many times that they fell apart, then you can do it by hand.  It doesn't take long anyway.

If you want you can add some flavour like vanilla extract, lemon juice, choc chips or cocoa powder.

Put cupcake cases into a cupcake baking tin, fill each one about halfway and bake in the oven at 180c for about 10-15 minutes.  You'll probably get about 12 cupcakes

You should put some buttercream icing on the cakes now, but I don't know how to make that

Giant Jaffa Cake

One packet sponge mix (or make a victoria sponge, too much like hard work if you ask me when you can but a packet mix from Tesco for 22p)
One jar shredless orange marmalade
about 200g milk chocolate.  I suppose you should use dark really since that's what's on jaffa cakes but I thought it might be a bit too rich.

Bake the sponge cake in 2 sandwich tins as per instructions on the packet, or the recipe you got somewhere baky.
Melt a couple tablespoons marmalade in a bowl
Put melted marmalade on top of one cake and plonk the other one on top.  Then put marmalade on top of the cake too.
When the cake is cooled, melt the chocolate and smear that all over the top and sides of the cake.

EAT THE CAKE!

Pitta Pizza

- One pack of pittas (Tesco value straight from the freezer - 6 for 20p, but you might be rich and buy wholemeal ones from waitrose or something equally poncy)
- One tube or can of concentrated tomato puree
- Grated cheese (whatever you fancy, mozarella, cheddar..., we happened to have half a bag of grated cheddar in the fridge but you can get the grater out if you want to make more washing up for yourself)

Turn the oven on to about 200.  I cook everything at 200, I don't care what it says on the packet.

Put the pittas on a baking tray.  Spread tomato puree on each one.  Throw grated cheese about the place and hope some lands on the pittas.
Retrieve one of the pittas from the dog and cut the bit with the teethmarks off.
Balance with one leg holding the dog back while you open the oven door.
Put the tray in the oven for about 10 minutes.
Get someone else to hold the dog back while you take the pitta pizzas out of the oven.

Serve with chips from the chippa (Don't go to Weeks on Newport Road, they are rubbish.  Pisces is better)

Album review - Muse: 2nd Law

Released 1st October 2012

There are 13 songs, but track 4 is less than a minute long so it doesn't really count

Best track - Follow Me, it sends shivers down my spine

Worst track - Animals, it's just a bit dreary

10/10

Personalised number plate? No problem

You want a personalised number plate but can't afford it?

No problem.

Just change your name to whatever your number plate is.

Voila!  You now have a personalised plate.


This piece of wisdom was brought to you by Mr V664JHL of Newport

Today's best bargain in Poundland

Remember Pacers?  Well they're back...of a fashion.  Try them anyway

Today's best bargain in Poundland

Set of 3 porcelain measuring cups.  These are genuinely really cute and useful.  I need them

Today's best bargain in Poundland

Steps Greatest Hits.  Slightly scratched (probably...possibly...don't sue me)

Tragedy la la la la la la la la la la Tragedy hum hum la la hum

Today's best bargain in Poundland

A tub of salt!  

Today's best bargain in Poundland

Fray Bentos Pies are £1.50 in Asda and £2 in Tesco.  I think you'll agree this really is a bargain.

Jaffa Cake...Cake

I'm going to attempt to make a giant jaffa cake this weekend.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  Hope it works.  This could be the best cake ever...or the worst.  I don't have a recipe, I'm going to make it up as I go.

Wish the family luck, they're the ones who have to eat it


EDIT:
I can't vouch for this personally cos I don't eat chocolate but apparently it was the best cake ever.

Today's best bargain in Poundland

100% unofficial Justin Bieber 2013 calendar.  On the cover photo he looks like he's just getting over a rather nasty cold.  Can't wait to see the other 11 pictures.

Todays best bargain in Poundland

One Direction Advent Calendar.  Nom nom.  Can't wait for the 14th

How to shop in Hollister like a pro.

Now I suppose you are thinking the reason I could never work in Hollister is because of their policy to only employ young beautiful people?  Well you are wrong.  This is why I could never work there:

1.  It smells too strong and gives me a headache.
2.  Eventually, i.e. by the end of the first day, I would have one of my eyes poked out by a fern.
3.  It's too dark and I can't see anything.
4.  I'm not wearing fake tan for anyone.
5.  I already have a perfectly good job.
6.  I bet the pay is really bad, they probably get paid in lip gloss and blouses, and that's just the boys.
7.  I'm over qualified.  I have a couple of GCSEs and a RSA in Typewriting that I got on a clickity clack ping typewriter in the olden days when CDs were big and black and a computer was as big as a house.
8.  AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.   I'm not wearing flip flops to work.  I don't even own a pair of flip flops and even if I did, I would wear them to hang the washing out, not to go to work.

But I did get a rather splendid white hoody in the sale today.  I have decided if I only ever wear white clothes then I won't notice the dog hairs all over me.

If you are not young and beautiful or if you don't want to work in Hollister for any of the reasons listed above then you can always shop there instead.  This is my advice on how to successfully shop in Hollister:

1.  Never go on a Saturday or in the 6 weeks either side of Christmas.  If you do you will have to queue to get in the shop.  NO shop is worth queuing to get in. Trust me.  Not even Poundland.
2.  Ditto above with regard to queuing to pay.

3.  Adopt an air of youth and beauty as you enter the shop and you will fit right in and don't forget to say hello to the pretty boy/girl at the entrance, I like to get it in before they do to confuse them.
4.  Learn sign language so you can talk to your children/partner over the stupidly rubbish and loud music.
5.  Don't try and push a pram round the shop.  The staff don't understand babies and will be scared, the baby will likely get it's eye poked out by a fern or choke on the perfume, it's too hot for a baby, it's too loud for a baby, it's too crowded for a baby and let's face it, if you have children you can't afford to spend £20 on a T-shirt for yourself and they don't sell children's clothes.  Maybe you should try Primark - even if the children's department is always up on the 3rd floor for some stupid reason.
6.  Head straight to the back of the shop.  This is where the sale items are situated.  Everything else is a waste of money.

7.  Say yes please you would like a bag.  If you are in Wales this will cost you 5p but it's worth it to fold the bag over and hold it under your head and pretend the firm torso in the photo belongs to you.  You might want to take a photo of yourself doing this, or maybe put your cat or dog in the bag (it's OK, it's paper) and wait for them to peek out, then post it on your facebook or pinterest to amuse your friends.

The Tiger who came to Tea, Judith Kerr

You will laugh you will cry but mostly you will be glad it wasn't your house the tiger came to tea at otherwise you know it would be you having that great big tin of tigerfood next time Mummy forgot to stock up on foodies.

I like the way Mummy stays at home and cooks and cleans and looks after Sophie, and Daddy goes to work and wears a hat.  And they go to a cafe for tea instead of McDonalds.  I think that is the way it should be.

And I like the way the tiger doesn't eat anyone but I wish we found out what the tiger's name was.  I think he could have had a bigger part in the story.

The End.  By Bessie Basset-Morgan.  Aged somewhere between nearly 6 and ancient.

Double reductions in Supermarkets

In our local Tesco, and I'm sure most supermarkets must do similar, all perishables that have been reduced (due to sell by dates) are double reduced sometime between 4pm and 6pm.

This is when you get the best bargains.  For example:

4 pack of Weightwatchers chocolate muffins 16p.

6 pack of chocolate croissants 8p

Warburtons Milk Loaf 9p

1lb fresh sardines 25p

1lb bananas 12p.  And they were still green.

I take it home and prepare it straight away if necessary; fresh meat, fish, vegetables ready to freeze.  And the other stuff I freeze as it is til needed.  You will be amazed how much money you save if you shop like this.

Happy Forever After. By Katie Morgan

I had a long night again, the puppies were very cold and huddled close to me for comfort.  We could have done with some blankets but the bad man never brought any.  The sound of his heavy boots coming across the yard makes the puppies whimper and they cower behind me.

We hear the clanking as he opens the cages and throws the food in.  He comes along the row, we are in the last one.  By the time he gets to us there is not much food left.  I need food or I won’t be able to make enough milk for the puppies.  There are 11 of them this time.  Last litter I had there were only four, the bad man was not happy.  He said “If you don’t give me more next time it will be curtains for you”. 

He sniggered his evil laugh and made a gun shape with his hand and pointed at me.  I backed up to the rear of the cage as he walked off laughing. But that was then.

A few days ago I gave birth to 11 beautiful babies. Six boys and five girls.  I would love to name them but of course there’s no point.  Three weeks. That’s all I get with my babies then they are taken away and sold.  I cry every time, I hear their sad little whimpers as they are taken away.  They need their mummy and I need them.

I suppose you are wondering what my name is.  I don’t have a name.  I don’t know how old I am.  I think I am about two.  I am a Basset Hound.  I remember when I was a little baby.  I thought I was the lucky one.  When my littermates were taken away by the bad man, he let me stay with my mother.  It was lovely, we stayed together in the cage for ages.  But then it was time for her to have a new litter.  The bad man came and put me in another cage, as I was being pulled away I saw the stud dog being pushed into mums cage.  She looked at me with her big brown eyes then turned away sadly.  That was the last time I saw her.  I was moved into a cage on my own.  It was small, damp and cold.  I cried at night and the bad man would come and shout at me.  All I wanted was my mummy. 

When I was old enough to have puppies of my own, the bad man brought the stud dog in.  He pushed him into my cage and said “there you go boy, have a good time”. 

Then he laughed, that evil manic laugh that I have grown to fear and hate.  After that every time I have my season the bad man comes with a stud dog, sometimes the same one, sometimes strangers.  We never speak, the bad man waits.  He wants the puppies so we have to do what needs to be done quickly.  Then the male dog is taken away and I am alone again until the puppies are born.

So, anyway, I have had my three precious weeks with my babies.  They are lucky, they all survive and will make the bad man lots of money.  He is happy about that, but he doesn’t reward me.  No extra food, no blankets. 

The bad man comes with his crate.  I know that crate, that’s what they take the puppies away in.  As he sets it down outside my cage and starts to unlock the bolt I gather the babies up in my paws and hug them all tightly.  We all cry.  It’s so hard to let go but I have no choice, the bad man is stronger than me and he has the gun.  I know what he does with the gun, everyone does, it’s hard not to.  When we get too old or stop giving him what he needs the gun comes out and some poor dog is dragged out of their cage and shot.  Just like that.  He doesn’t care if we see, he wants us to be frightened.

Tonight I am in my cage alone.  It’s very cold outside, I don’t know what time of year it is, we don’t ever go out there.  I can see outside through the bars of my cage and the open door of the barn we live in.  There are many cages all in rows.  Sometimes the noise of the barking and the howling and the puppies whimpering is overpowering and the bad man comes into the barn and shouts, the noises soon fade away.  We know what the bad man is capable of.  The cage is wet and smelly.  I try not to soil in my sleeping area but the cage is so small it’s very difficult.  I have ammonia burns on my legs and open wounds on my face and stomach.  Sometimes the pain is so intense I just sit and scratch.  Nobody ever comes to see if we are alright.  I wish someone would take the pain away.

I miss the puppies too but I know it won’t be long before another litter comes along.  I am sat shivering, scratching and thinking about the puppies when we hear sirens, tyres on the dirt track and the sound of human voices.  Not the bad man, other voices, lots of them.  I shuffle to the back of my cage, I don’t want them to take me.  I am good, I gave the bad man lots of puppies.  The sound of terrified howling fills the air.

Suddenly lots of people are in the barn.  They have bright lights which they shine into the cages.  The lights hurt my eyes, I am not used to light.  A man in a dark blue uniform uses a pair of big metal clippers to snap the lock on my cage and a pair of hands reach in and touch me gently.  I have been touched!  By a human!  It feels so nice, the hands are warm and friendly.  A soft voice talks to me, “Come on little girl, I won’t hurt you”.  I push my nose into the warm hands.  They smell clean.  

The hands take me and pick me up and a human is holding me.  This human is not like the bad man, he is the only human I ever saw.  This is a female human, like me!  She is talking softly and gently to me.  She tells me her name is Sylvia and she is going to take me to her rescue centre and make everything better.  The man in the dark blue uniform is a policeman.  He is taking the bad man away in a car with flashing lights.  Us dogs are all taken out of our cages.  There are so many of us living here.  I never realised how many of us were in this barn, all Bassets just like me.  I look around for my mother, I can’t see her anywhere.  I don’t know how long it has been since I saw her.  Maybe I forgot what she looks like, maybe that’s her?  Or her?  Or her?  I don’t know.  I can’t remember my own mother’s face.

The lady with the clean hands, Sylvia, is still carrying me.  I am embarrassed.  I know I must smell terrible but she isn’t complaining.  She carries me outside.  There are lots of vans waiting.  All us dogs from the barn and the stud dogs from the other barn are being carried to the vans.  Sometimes I see one of the humans put a dog on the ground to walk but we are all too weak from years of living in a cage.  We have never walked, we wouldn’t know how to.  Sylvia places me on the floor while she unlocks her van.  My legs collapse under me.  I am so weak.  “Oh you poor baby, you are so hungry”, she cries.

She rushes round to the front of the van and comes back with a bag of biscuits, a large bottle of water and lots of tin bowls.  She puts some food and water down in front of me.  I gulp it down greedily, then I look at her with shame.  The other dogs must be hungry too and I ate all of it.  Sylvia laughs softly and says “don’t worry sweetie, there’s plenty more where that came from”.

She leaves me eating and goes back into the barn.  Sylvia comes back a few minutes later with a man.  They are carrying a dog each and place them down close to me and give them a bowl of food.  We are so overwhelmed, hungry and exhausted, we barely acknowledge each other.  I finish my bowl and drift off to sleep right there in the dirt by the open van. 

I am woken by firm but kindly hands lifting me.  A man this time, not Sylvia.  Sylvia sees the fear in my eyes and says “It’s ok, this is a good man, say hello to Bill”. I look up at Bill and see that this is a nice man. I have a lot to learn about different kinds of humans. 

By the time we are ready to leave there are seven of us altogether going with Sylvia and Bill.  Six adult females and one puppy. She is blind and is with her mummy. The bad man couldn’t sell her so she had a lucky escape from his evil gun.  There are lots more dogs being put into different vans to go to other places. Sylvia tells us “This has been a huge operation with lots of different charities working together to save you... You are very lucky girls”.

Already I love Sylvia, she has said more to me in the last 10 minutes than the bad man has in my whole life.  I am lifted into a big crate in the back of the van.  It is clean and has lots of warm blankets and space to stretch my short legs.  We set off on our journey and within minutes all seven of us are fast asleep. 

I am awoken to the sound of lots of voices whispering.  Kind humans are lifting us gently out of the crates and carrying us into a warm building with bright lights.  A man with soft eyes and green clothes is waiting by a tall table.  We are each lifted onto the table and the man rubs his hands gently over our burnt and sore bodies.  “My god”, he says, “What that monster did to these poor souls is disgusting.  I hope he gets what’s coming to him”.  He rubs cream into my poorly skin and pops a tablet into my mouth and I feel a sharp pain in my neck.  But I don’t cry out, I know bad pain, and something tells me this gentle man would never harm us.

Eventually we are ready to go.  We are carried to a long row of large rooms.  The rooms have a door with grating on the front, three large baskets inside and a big orange light on the ceiling.  The light has heat coming out of it.  The room looks much better than the smelly cage.  “Welcome to your kennel”, says a friendly voice.  “I’m Cathy and I’ll look after you now”.  Cathy is younger than Sylvia and has long brown hair, she has a big smile on her face and a navy blue sweatshirt with a picture of a dog on it.  “Don’t worry, this isn’t your forever home.  This is just where you stay while we wait for your new families to come and meet you”. 

Myself and two of the other adult Bassets including the blind puppy’s mother, and of course the puppy, are put in one cage and the other three next door.  We are wide awake after sleeping on the journey and whisper excitedly to each other about our adventure.  In just a few hours I have gone from being on my own in a dark smelly cage to a warm cosy basket in a warm kennel with three brand new friends.  Suddenly I think everything is going to be alright.

Over the next few weeks, we all grow much stronger, we have two good meals a day.  We can lift ourselves up and move round the kennel slowly.  The people take us out of the kennels and carry us to the exercise area.  I don’t like the feel of the grass under my feet, it feels strange and I still have such pain from my burns so I don’t walk far.  We get stroked and washed by kind humans with soft warm hands.  But best of all we are all given names!  A name for me!  My name is Canada.  The other Bassets in my group are named Buttercup and Daisy, and Daisys baby is Bridget.  We all adore Bridget, she is such a little mischief.  She is blind so needs lots more care than other puppies but with three mothers lavishing attention on her she is looked after like a princess.

After a month or so, Buttercup, Daisy and Bridget are strong enough to be rehomed.  Over a few days each of them say their goodbyes and are taken away to meet their new families.  Their forever homes.  Ever since Cathy told us about the forever homes we have talked of nothing else.  A family of our own, to love us and let us love them.

After my friends leave I am very lonely.  It’s not like being back at the farm because there are plenty of caring humans always popping in to give me cuddles, food, an extra blanket, or to try and get me to go for a walk with them but I don’t like the feel of the lead around my neck and when it is put on I sit down on the ground and refuse to walk and the humans sit down on the ground with me and give me a scratch on the ear and sigh “Oh Canada, what are we going to do with you?”  I keep thinking about my forever home and wondering if it really exists or if it’s just a fantasy.

Then one day I am sat in my basket having a little scratch when one of the men, Peter, comes to get me.  “Come on little one,” he whispers, “I’ve got some very nice people waiting to meet you”.  I am very nervous and when he puts me down to put the lead on I lie down and give him my sad eyes.  He shakes his head with a smile and lifts me up.  “It’s a good job you’re as light as a feather”, he chuckles.

Peter carries me out into the exercise yard and waiting for us is a family.   A mum, a dad, and two children.  And a Basset!  Like me!  Except she is a lemon and white and I am a tri-colour and she is bigger than me.  Peter places me down on the ground next to her.  She lets out a big sigh and lies down on the ground.  “You want a cuddle?”  she asks me quietly.  “yes please”, I answer with tears in my eyes.  I lay my head on her warm back, she smells so nice, like a home.  I look up at the family, they all have tears in their eyes too. 

“What do you think then?”,  asks Peter expectantly. 

“We’ll take her, we’re going to call her Carly.” the mum lady is sat on the floor gently tickling my ears. 

“I’m Bess, you’re new big sister”, says the other Basset, “wait til you see your forever home”.

THE END

50 Shades of Grey (the trilogy) by E L James reviewed

  I decided to write a review of the trilogy that I lovingly call 50 shades of shite.  I am only doing this to save you the trouble of reading it yourself.  I hope you are grateful.

So basically if you have read the Twilight series and you have a slightly dirty mind then you have pretty much already read 50 shades.  My guess is E L James read those books and thought "I know what's missing... sex!".  Most characters are copies.  There are one or two originals, or maybe I'm missing the link.  Except that Twilight is better quality writing and has an actual storyline.  So the basic storyline here is very much a Mills and Boons, you know one of them steamy ones you get free on Kindle.  But with a bit of filth thrown in.  The first sex scene, I admit it was sexy, but after that, it just got cringy.  Unfortunately there's a whole group of women out there, women about my age I expect, who think that every other woman enjoys being beaten.  Not gently spanked, beaten the shit out of.  So they don't want to appear prudish they all pretend they also enjoy having the living daylights knocked out of them.

Well, I do like to do things different.  Come near me with your belt buckle and you'll be wearing it as a butt plug.  And no I won't be worrying about whether to sterilise the damn thing first.

Christian Grey is not a brooding hero.  He is good looking  - God we know already.  Even with ginger hair, how they going to cast that one?  I'm thinking Rupert Grint, or the guy who played the principal in Ferris Bueller's day off but he's probably reaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyy old now.  He's also a manipulative controlling possessive jealous wife beater (Christian Grey that is, we never met Mrs Rooney in Ferris Bueller's day off so I have no idea if she was chained to a wall or not).  Oh and he's mercurial, we are told that a lot, I don't actually know what that word means.  I could look it up but I'm guessing it means something to do with mercury, so erm I guess that means he withstands hot and cold and is very poisonous?  Anyway, since when did we like that sort of thing?  Never is the simple answer.  He's the sort of man our mothers warned us about and we warn our daughters about.

Anastasia Steele is a simpering idiot.  No woman deserves to be beaten up by their partner but she comes bloody close.    Her sub conscious and her inner goddess.  Silly tarts give the rest of womankind a bad name.  She nearly gets raped by her so called best friend and then laughs it off.  Christian never forgives him for this, as well he shouldn't but then does the exact same thing himself a hundred times over.  Oh the irony.  Safe word?   How about byeeee?

And something about this series that wound me up right from the beginning.  The entire thing was written more like a screenplay than a book.  Clearly she wants this to be made into a film and wrote it exactly as she saw the film.  I noticed the Harry Potter books started to get like that from about book four onwards.  Suddenly characters changed to be more like the way they were played in the films.

And I'm guessing you fancy a fair bit of product placement in your films too yes?  iPod, iPad, Macbook, Blackberry, Audi, La Perla.  They better make the film quickly though cos I see these books dating very quickly.  All this top of the range technology that seems normal now but, with the speed things move, in a few years it will be as impressive to readers as if he had given her a Commodore 64 and a Motorola Brickphone.  And anyway what kind of college student doesn't already have a computer?  How did she get any coursework done?  I don't get it.  And references to current music.  Ana is a hipster, she likes Coldplay and Snow Patrol.  Christian likes classical, of course he does.  Cos he's a 118 year old vampire (sorry wrong book).  And Leila (crazy i.e. heartbroken ex sub) likes Britney Spears.  Cos she was a bit thick.

Here's a thought.  Leila was Christian's previous sub.  Each sub's contract only lasts a few months and during this time they spend every weekend at Christian's apartment.  They are at his beck and call, but never sleep in his bed with him.  They don't look him in the eye and are, I presume, terrified of him.  Yet, somehow, Leila felt comfortable enough to put a Britney Spears album onto this man's iPod?  I have been married for 14 years, I insist on letting my basset hounds sleep on my husbands pillow with him and I call him Johnny Bags to his face.  Yet I know that putting my music on his iPod is one boundary too far.  He doesn't put Pink Floyd on mine, I don't put My Chemical Romance on his.  We don't need a contract to work that one out.

I'm also wondering if E L James did any research before she wrote this book?  I mean apart from reading Twilight obviously.  She couldn't even get the American speech right.  Ana was English through and through.   Why set the book in America, it would have worked just fine in the UK.  I don't know if this is true but I heard the author had never been to the two American towns where the books are set before she wrote them (and I'm guessing doesn't dare set foot in them now) Christian in his penthouse in Canary Wharf would have been just as dull.  And I don't know much about the BDSM lifestyle but I've watched a few documentaries on channel 4, which I'm guessing is more than E L James did.  And I'm not entirely sure that portraying it as an outlet for sadists is entirely fair.  Most of the people on these programmes seem to have arrived as a couple at the point where they want a bit more excitement in their sex lives.  They don't come into it                   as a fresh faced virgin untouched by even their own hands.

So anyway, you want a brief synopsis of the storyline I suppose.  Stupid and easily manipulated girl gets sent to interview enigmatic hero, it's love at first sight, well not love as you know it but his version.  He pursues her in his own stalkery way, tries to get her to become his sub, she refuses but then agrees to try his lifestyle. Doesn't like it but likes him. Why does she love the billionaire Christian Grey so much?  He's not a nice person and they've got zilch in common.  It's definitely not the money, we're reminded of that over and over, it's not the money, she doesn't even want his money.  Oh yes, the sex.  Because it's the best she ever had... hang on a minute, it's the only sex she ever had.  I bet Jose would be great in bed, and a lot more fun and less baggage.  Mind you I thought that about Edward v Jacob too so what would I know?  He goes off on one if she so much as goes to the corner shop without him.  His palm twitches if she bites her lip, doesn't eat her dinner (here's the choo choo train, open the tunnel), doesn't wear the clothes his butler type thingy buys for her, goes to work without him.  Until he buys the company and makes her the boss - like you do.

And that is pretty much it... three books of it.  To be honest the sex scenes start to interfere with what storyline there is about half way through book two.  And by book three I actually skipped the sex scenes.  I'm not a prude, don't get me wrong.  I just think there's better smut out there.  I recommend Jackie Collins, Jilly Cooper, Harold Robbins, proper old school 70s smut.  All the men have massive shlongs and all the women have massive hair.

There's a bit of peril along the way, crazy paedophile old lady (except she's not that old but you kind of forget that at times and picture her barefoot on the bow of a ship saying "it's been 84 years and I can still smell the fresh paint" - or is that just me, was I supposed to be thinking more Anne Bancroft?), crazy i.e. heartbroken ex sub, crazy rapist boss.  They're all out to get him... or her... or both.  They deserve to be got.  And in the end they live happily ever after.  He still wants to beat the living daylights out of her every chance he gets.  She says she doesn't want it but she lets him do it anyway.  Because she loves him.  And that's what we do for the man we love.

Is it?  My man's lucky if I let him watch the football.  Maybe I should be a better wife?  I hear Ann Summers have got a 50 shades of dirty bastard collection out.  Bet it's expensive though, I could improvise with freezer bag clips and a wine stopper.

So if you're still peachy keen you better get on with it before we've all remembered we don't want to be covered in hickies and hand imprints on our arses at age 40 something.  Oh and one last thing.  If you read this book and then object to your partner watching porn alone, in the dark, with a box of tissues then you're a hypocrite.  Happy reading!

Dog Poo Bags Tested

We used to get biodegradable bags free from the council but they haven't had any for months now.  These are the best and worst of the cheap brands.  I didn't test any pack that cost more than £1.

Results:

Asda Smart Price Nappy Bags:

35p for 300  (0.001p each)

They are translucent orange and wafer thin so everybody can see (and smell) what you've got in your bag.  And if you swing it too much the chances are it will split open.

OK for if you're just picking up poo in your own garden but I wouldn't take them on a walk.

To be fair to Asda, they aren't poo bags, they're nappy bags and from vaguely remembered past experience they do the job they are designed for reasonably well.

Pet Pals Scented Pet Waste Bags: 

68p for 40 from Asda (0.017p each)

These are thick and work well.  Not very good value though, one pack doesn't last very long.

Petplace Scented Clean Up Bags:

£1 for 150 from Poundland (0.006p each)

Very thin, I found often the bag would rip down the length as I put my hand inside.  But OK for the money and best to use in the garden and not out on a walk (in case it splits and you have a sudden need for soap and hot water)

The Pet Shop Doggy Bags:
89p for 150 from B & M Bargains (0.005p each)
Really thick.  Scented.  Great value.  Highly recommended.

Bob Martin Biodegradable Poop Scoop Bags:
£1 for 60 from Tesco (0.016p each)
Thick and scented.  Not particularly good value but I would buy these just because they are biodegradable.

Conclusion:

Best:      The Pet Shop Doggy Bags from B & M Bargains
Worst:    Petplace Clean Up Bags from Poundland

Foods that someone should make

If any of these foods already exist I'd love to know where to buy them from.

Caramac Easter Egg 
Yeah sure it will make you feel sick but you don't have to eat it all at once - unless you really want to


Chocolate Russian Dolls
Me and the boys invented these when we were out walking the dogs.  So the biggest doll is milk chocolate because that's the best.  Then a dark choc, a white choc, and the middle one filled with caramel.  Yummy.


A Jaffa Cake as big as a Wagon Wheel
Obviously I mean the chocolate biscuit Wagon Wheel, not an actual wheel off a wagon


After Eight Milkshake
How good would that be?


Kentucky Fried Quorn/soya chicken flavour thingy
I mean the proper KFC secret recipe served in KFC, not just some supermarket version to dish up at home


White chocolate digestives
I think I saw these once...years ago

Everyday Value Meals from Tesco tested

This week I have tested fresh (not frozen cos they take too long to cook and who has time to stare at a microwave for 12 minutes?  Not me) everyday value meals from Tesco.

The reason I picked Tesco is that it's the only supermarket I pass on the way to work and I conducted this experiment in my half hour lunch break at said work.

There are 11 dishes in the Tesco Everyday Value Ready Meal range:
Chicken Korma and Rice
Chicken Tikka and Rice
Chilli Con Carne and Rice
Creamy Mushroom Chicken and Rice
Cottage Pie
Fishermans Pie
Lasagne
Macaroni Cheese
Sausage and Mash
Spaghetti Bolognese
Sweet and Sour Chicken and Rice

They're all 95p and 400g.  I would go into the nutritional values for you but if you was that bothered about nutrition you would have made yourself a nice salad and taken it to work in a tupperware like I wish I had.

So here are my results (ignoring the cooking instructions on every packet and cooking at full blast in the microwave for 4 minutes):

Chicken Korma, Sweet and Sour Chicken and Creamy Mushroom Chicken are all much of a muchness.  Same game of hunt the chicken, different sauce.  To be fair I didn't try the Tikka.  Mainly because there was none on the shelf.  But I would eat them again.  They filled a hole.  And I'll probably give the Tikka a go if they ever get any in stock.

The Cottage Pie, Chilli Con Carne, Spaghetti Bolognese and Lasagne were truly awful.  In fact I had to throw my lasagne away, after the third piece of gristle I was starting to feel naseous.  And I hate waste.  Especially when all that's left to eat is stale custard creams.  I won't buy any of them again.

Macaroni Cheese was OK actually.  Once you got past the sicky smell, but then it's cheese sauce.  I bet even Nigella Lawsons cheese sauce smells like sick.   If I'd done it in the oven instead of the microwave it probably would have been dead nice.  But a success all the same.

Sausage and Mash was just the strangest thing I ever ate.  The potato came up in one huge slab when I put my fork in.  And it tasted like cardboard.  The sausages were OK, quite nice actually so long as you don't think too deeply about what's probably inside them.  And it could have done with a lot more gravy.  But I might be willing to try it again, maybe put some salt and butter in the potatoes to give them a boost.

Finally the Fishermans Pie.   This is the best in the range IMO by a long way.  Loads of fish, no bones, the cheese sauce is a bit runny but it's OK.  If you're a pig like me eat it mushed up out of a plastic bowl sat on a box of listing paper.  Bliss.  In fact I like it so much I went back and bought five and put them all in the fridge at work with my name on in sharpie marker.  If you're lucky I might take a photo of my orange plastic bowl full of mush one day.

In conclusion:

Best:      Fishermans Pie
Worst:   Lasagne